Shame?

There's a loaded title. I wonder how many people will even read this post.

My good friend shared this link the other day and it stuck with me.  It is not an easy read.  I felt sick while reading it and cried afterwards. One of the ways to describe this article is that it is about teen suicide particularly related to gay bashing in a particularly conservative educational climate.

It brought up a lot for me. The cruelty of middle school, high school, adulthood, politics. . . The difficulty we have as humans to figure out who we are and let other people figure out who they are. . . The ease with which any one of us can feel threatened. . .  I can’t figure out which part was most upsetting. The suicides. The culture. The seeming complacency. The values portrayed that are different than mine.  The powerlessness and pain reflected in the people of all the groups represented.

In the end, one of the biggest points I took from this was that the policy about staying neutral basically made ‘gayness’ something that couldn’t even be talked about or addressed in public settings.  Making a topic invisible is worse than polarizing it.  It leaves people feeling alone, isolated, depressed, hopeless, guilty and shameful. I just looked up shame quickly and here was a little piece on it that captures the basic idea of the shame described in the article.

Related to getting through shame and coming to a little more acceptance, I tend to think that naming things, talking about them, and exploring why they create so many difficult feelings, is a good idea.  Often, other people are feeling uncomfortable about the same things.  Often, the things we are most ashamed of limit us the most in life.  

This is the heavier side of why LizToots matters to me.  I want to keep exploring digestion and culture with different lenses.  Creating understanding around uncomfortable topics creates possibility for a little more peace and community on the journey.  Hopefully the next post will have a little more fun and play.  I haven't gotten to the playful part of this shame and guilt yet.

Light as a Feather. Stiff as a Board.

After the last post, I have been thinking about blockage and flow even more.  If I take Rachel’s idea and fill it out a bit, then digestive constipation occurs simultaneously with mental, emotional, and potentially other types of physical constipation.  (It doesn’t necessarily say which one starts the ball rolling though.)  As I sat with this hypothesis, I remembered the time in Paraguay when I had been having particular troubles.

There was one month during my first year when I was only able to go to the bathroom once a week.  Whatever was happening was stopping everything up.  It was June (winter), the rainy season of my first year.  I remember losing the ability to twist and bend to my normal capacity. It was constantly painful and my Paraguayan friends and family were continuously adding herbs that were supposed to help to our mate and terere for me. 

I can still picture leaving the bathroom after one of my few successful trips that month. (A 4 by 4 by 20 foot deep hole covered with boards and surrounded by walls and roof at the edge of the yard and the field.)  I felt soo light.  I wanted to write poetry to capture the moment.  In fact, it was such a big deal I remember writing in my journal. 

So today, I looked for that poem in my journal from that special moment.  Over the years I have built up that day in my mind.  This is what I found.

6/18

FATHER’S DAY

THERE IS NOTHING QUITE AS SATISFYING AS A GOOD S%*T

It lifts the weight and life’s pressures and allows freedom of movement and thought once again.

Well, it wasn’t quite as amazing of a poem as I remember it, but it does get the point across.  

If the original hypothesis is correct, then this physical constipation would represent a certain ‘stuck-ness’ in life.  Although, there were many things about Paraguay and Peace Corps that I could not control or change, I remember that first June as the time when I started to feel fully embraced by and embrace my community.  Just the week before, I had made my first joke in Guarani (the indigenous language that is really the language of heart and home) by understanding what was said, thinking of what I wanted to say, responding in a timely manner (in Guarani, not just gestures), and everyone laughing with me (not at me. . . at least, that is the story that I am sticking with).  My journal that month is full of insights, new understandings, and many lines that when I look back on them today I am pretty impressed with myself and wish that I had been able to hold a little more closely to some of those thoughts during the last 10 years.

So, if my initial hypothesis is not necessarily correct, here is another one.  Sometimes constipation (digestive or other), holds everything in so that it can do some very important sorting and shifting.  If the stool or ideas were let out too early, the quality of nutrients and depth of learning would not have time to filter out and sink in.

I guess now the question is how to be able to process, filter, and take in what I need and expel what I don’t need in a less painful way.  There's the big question.  How to make letting go an easier process? 

Blockage, Drainage, and Flow

Immediately upon writing this title (the first title that I have written before writing the actual article), I feel myself drawn to the word flow.  Flow is a word that became powerful for me when I was 11 years old while participating in an experiential education camp that changed the course of my life.  While canoeing for hours and days, our instructor taught us and modeled the difference between regular movement and flow and finesse down back-country rivers in Maine.  

Flow pulls me with it.  I want to be in it, around it, surrounded by it.  Swimming, flying, dancing with it.  It speaks to endless possibility.

The words blockage and drainage, on the other hand, make me picture dirty street water backing up over clogged sewer grates or greasy hair nests below shower drains.   These words conjure feelings of distress, frustration, avoidance, distrust, and this uneasy feeling in my gut that if I delve too deeply into a blockage I could be contaminated forever.

So, lets explore blockages a little. 

I will admit that my fascination with blockage and drainage right now stems from the fact that I had a sore throat for a couple of days, which shifted into a stuffy nose, which I am now blowing really often.  I am trying to come to terms with the fact that this oozy snot coming out of my face is actually a sign of health.  It is a sign that my body is clearing out whatever was blocking it before, even though the process feels gross and I am ready for it to be over. 

How do I tie this into digestion?  Do I talk about the blockages (sphincters) that are built into the whole digestive tract?  And how important these are for regulating the flow of particles through our digestive pipes?  Do I talk about how awful it is when unplanned blockages occur and constipation lasts hours or days longer than ‘regular’ flow would allow for? And the discomfort/relief that can accompany the release? Do I write about how awful it feels when the digestive system seems to go into ‘overflow’ mode and it is safest just to get comfortable sitting on the toilet with some reading material? Or do I write about my conviction that my current dietary habits help my immune system work better and keep me healthier than I used to be?

Well, I think I just want to pose the idea that being aware of and paying attention to the flow, blockage, and drainage is OK.  In fact, it can be educational, useful, and worthwhile for most people.  For me, the increased understanding helps me have compassion for my body when part of my mind is telling me to get as far away as possible from the latest substance coming out of some orifice.  Just like you can learn a lot about your current state of health from the color of your snot, you can learn a lot from the consistency (and probably color and smell) of your poop.  I am not an expert on the poop thing aside from it being a good indicator of hydration, but I am sure that people who really study this know that subtle differences in color show signs of very different nutrients and toxins exiting the body.  I would think that knowing what my body doesn’t digest and actually excretes could actually help me have a better daily working relationship with my body. If anyone does know of a good color chart indicator, I would be interested.

When I lived in Paraguay the grandmother that I lived with, Abuela'i, would occasionally tell stories of her aunt who raised her.  Her aunt was a Paraguayan version of a medicine woman who lived 70 years ago. This story takes place years before western medicine was taking hold.  According to Abuela'i, her aunt was never taught these things, she just knew.  One of the ways that her Aunt used to diagnose people was to look at their urine.  Sometimes she would ask people who came to her to pee in a container and bring it to her.  Abuela'i loved to tell the story about the time someone brought in horse pee to try to fool her, and she knew immediately that it was not human. (If only we all had this talent!)

This short foray into blockages seems like just the tip of the iceberg.  This topic gives me compassion for all of those people whose job (paid or unpaid) is to clear out potential blockages, like trash collectors, diaper changers, wound cleaners. . .

A picture of the Hoover Dam.
A very powerful blockage.

I wonder if I am I alone in thinking that its hard to explore blockages and that those people who do clear them out should be given badges of courage and not thought of as untouchables?

A Commitment to Resilience

This week I have been resisting and wrestling with something.  My boss/friend/chiropractor has decided to do and offer a three week cleanse starting at the beginning of the new year (January 4^th to be exact).   I had not been thinking that I needed a weight loss or cleanse program and she did not ask me to join her, but as I heard the details of the plan . . . 10 days of veggies and some grains, and then 11 days with some chicken and fish added. . . all while drinking these healthy protein shakes 2 to 3 times per day and having classes. . . it sounded so transformative that I started to consider it.  Then I became really frustrated.

It is really strange to consider doing a cleanse when I do already put quite a bit of effort into watching what I eat.  (By the way, after a fun, tasty, and slightly painful Thanksgiving, my friend and I have started another week’s commitment to no sugars, soy, corn, dairy, and wheat again.)

Maybe I am struggling with the impermanence with some of my seemingly Herculean efforts related to diet. (OK, only at certain times are they Herculean.  Other times they are actually very easy.)  It seems that I need to move towards acceptance and tap into that bumper sticker on my car, “The Only Constant is Change,” and apply it to digestion and my eating efforts yet once again.

Our health and digestion are based on continuously changing inputs and outputs.  We have to eat to live (some people would argue, but for the general masses this is a fact.) Therefore, we introduce the potential for bodily change everyday, every time we eat.  Because my digestive system is sensitive, every time I eat, multiple times per day, I influence not only how my body physically acts and feels, but my mental, emotional, and (I believe) my spiritual capabilities. 

When I eat poorly for my body, it hurts.  The typical thought that goes through my head is something like, “Oh, I try soo hard and then it still hurts when I eat just one thing off my diet,” or “Why do I even try to eat well?  When I eat poorly I get used to the stupor, but when I eat well and then eat one ‘bad’ item, I really know how uncomfortable it is.”

Where am I going with all this?  Well, since I want to find something to hold onto amidst the sea of self-supportive and self-deprecating thoughts, I want to know why this effort is worth it.  For me, it comes down to resilience.  There are two interesting definitions of resilience in wikipedia, the first is more scientific and the other is psychological.  If you have a science background, the first one is pretty applicable, but the psychological one really seems to hit the tongue on the tastebud. It says that resilience,

“refers to the idea of an individual's tendency to cope with stress and adversity. This coping may result in the individual ‘bouncing back’ . . .  Resilience is most commonly understood as a process, and not a trait of an individual.”

Just change the phrase “an individual” to “ an individual’s gut” and it speaks for itself.

I can really appreciate the process part.  I believe that over time, by giving my body what it burns best, I am helping it to reach more optimal health.  People with healthy immune systems generally do not feel the effects of disease as much.  I have noticed that many of the colds that come through and really knock my friends and housemates out, generally tend to hit me less.

Focusing on resilience, does not mean ignoring the problem.  After working in the field of wilderness therapy for 6 years, I have thought quite a bit and interacted with individuals and families with amazing capacities and abilities to be resilient. 

So, I am deciding to continue to commit to building my digestional resilience.  This leaves space for occasional setbacks because they always prove to me the need for more resilience in the future.  AND, I like being resilient.  I like paying attention to the journey, as well as the results.  I want an elastic and resilient digestive tract.  I want to be able to bounce back, rather than be unbreakable. 

Whether I do the cleanse or not, I know that my gut appreciates me every time I take one more bite of something that helps it regulate our flow.

Found this photo under 'resilience' on this website.
Seemed like a very applicable picture and website. 

Dietary Restrictions and Contradictions

Whats it like having dietary restrictions?

Depending on the day, its full of contradictions.

Some days I eat all my favorite foods

The ones that make me feel good and on top of the world.

For breakfast, I eat eggs, sausage, and buttery potatoes.

For a snack I eat goat cheese and sun gold tomatoes.

For lunch I eat leftover homemade veggies or meat curry.

For another snack, I eat carrots or celery, slathered and peanut buttery.

Dinner will have some sort of meat, veggies and special sauce

And maybe I'll have some whisky with club soda and lime (just a splash).

Those are the good days, when I feel on top of the world

When I have energy all day and can focus amidst the swirl.

When I feel like I have a power center and believe in myself just a little more.

When I can tap into the secrets that usually hide behind previously hidden doors.

And some days I eat my other favorite foods

The ones that distend my gut and distastefully affect my moods.

The ones that make my joints ache and my face blotchy and red

Creating noxious fumes as if something is now rotting and dead.

Those days involve pancakes and sandwiches and donuts.

They have pasta with cream dressing and sugary sauces that make me go nuts.

They have chocolate chip cookies, pizza and beer.

They involve corn chips, popcorn, and foods that trick-or-treaters hold dear.

My tongue gets so happy and my body gets sluggish and tired.

I think about napping and wonder why I no longer feel wired.

I feel dumber and slower for just a little bit

Until I adjust and then cant remember what it was like to be fast-twitched.

Its amazing the difference a small amount of food

Can make on my daily experience and contributions to the world.

I wonder how many people are constantly running at half-mast

And how many of our stomachs are held together with some semi-permeable cast.

I wonder how a culture gets to the point that we are

Where people think I am different for wanting to know what is good for me and what is not?

How can Dunkin, PizzaHut, Little Debbie and Micky Ds

Be soo popular and normal while they take us out at the knees?

How their food can be soo much cheaper and practically not be food?

How their marketing is so amazing that it makes young children drool?

So, today I will eat some of my favorite treats

Hopefully they will be the ones that make me stand balanced on my feet.

And my roots will grow deeper and my branches towards the sun.

And if for some reason that chocolate chip cookie happens to cross my tongue

I will have compassion for my body and brain

And know that tomorrow I will start again.

Today and tomorrow I will give myself a chance

To grow up and show up, energized and ready to dance.

Progress and Popcorn

Since last week. . .  I am happy and proud to report that my friend and I made it through our one week of eating purely on our gluten-free, soy-free, corn-free, dairy-free (although I eat goat cheese), and sugary sweetener-free diets (I do eat stevia .  For those of you who love Paraguay, check out the Guarani in the link).   It really is such a practice in attention and effort.  I always kept some veggies, peanut butter, and an apple with me.  I cooked a big crazy pot of coconut peanut curry veggie, meat stock soup.  I went out to eat at Nicholas Restaurant. It’s a Lebanese restaurant that only uses olive oil.  We even both attended a potluck where we both made sure to bring foods we could eat.

My friend and I texted multiple times per day checking in about how well we were doing.  We chuckled about the cookies she had in the house or the fact that my housemates had multiple good quality dark chocolate bars laying out and open.  We each had to tell the Sugar Monsters to go to sleep for a while.  It was pretty amazing how much more fun this was to do with a buddy. . . and how much more committed I felt since I didn’t want to let her down. 

Last night (exactly the one week mark), I ended up eating some air popped popcorn loaded with olive oil and salt.  By eating corn, I broke the diet.  The good part is that corn generally does not physically affect me as obviously as dairy and wheat do.  Coated with that amount of oil, popcorn doesn’t have the same affect that sugar does of making me crave more immediately.  The bad part is that I have broken the diet.  I now have to tell my friend.  I wonder how it will affect her resolve.  Even though we had only committed for one week, part of me had started to wonder how far I was willing to go. 

The part about corn that makes me the most nervous is that it is hard to find corn products in the US that are not genetically modified.  The lack of studies about how GMO foods affect our bodies scares me a bit.  I have this feeling that it is weakening us as a race.  In the long run, I wonder which will have a larger impact on health, sugar or GMOs. 

I have really appreciated my friend Taryn’s blog called GMObeat.  Even though just a couple months old, it has been informative and also offers ways to actively support the type of food that I believe in and want to eat.

Food Shopping and Commitment

It is holiday season.  The moment to recommit to my soy, corn, gluten, cow dairy, sugar- free life is here.  My friend and I agreed last night to fully commit for the week starting today.  I have been eating like this for almost two years and go through waves of being excited by the challenge of eating well for my body and bored with the options of my basic foods.  Supported by my diet choices and confined by them.  Energized and empowered by the quality of food entering my system and craving something different even if it saps my energy.

In general, here are staples that end up in my shopping basket every week (including this morning): eggs, peanut or almond butter, raw nuts, coconut milk, goat cheese, carrots, celery, apples, fruits (not bananas), garlic, onions, more veggies, yams, and meats.   Items that are always in the pantry: olive oil, peanut oil, butter, coconut oil, apple cider vinegar, some rice, lentils or split peas.   Nut Thins and Mochi are two of the food sources that I can satisfy my cravings for bread-like foods.  I occasionally still experiment with almond flour, rice flour, tapioca flour, and sugar-less baking.

Recently, I stumbled across Brenda Watson’s blog.  Its amazing.  She is talking about elimination diets, pro-biotics, GMO toxins in the blood stream and more.  These are all things that I think about on a daily basis while buying, creating, or eating foods.  It’s a gold mine of information and seems to offer ways to participate in the conversation.  They even have sample menus for people like me.  

I just signed up for her newsletter and am intrigued by what it will bring.